Don’t have kids. I’m serious.
Having children is one of the most sacrificial journeys a woman can take. It requires willingly sharing your body with a literal parasite and hoping you both come out OK in the end. While this journey requires a lot of effort from both parents (if done right), I’ll mainly speak from a woman’s perspective. Biologically, most of us are wired to want to have children. This inexplicable desire helps keep the Earth populated. As the proverbial clock starts ticking, most women will start examining additional routes and options to achieve the goal of motherhood, be it egg freezing, letting that bummy situationship shoot the club up, or marrying that guy you have no business marrying because you grew up in the Church (that’s a whole other post). For many women, the dream of being a mother is wrapped up in all of the ways that it can be wonderful. Because of societal pressures around motherhood, we haven’t fully embraced opportunities for women to share how challenging motherhood can be and how it can shake a person to their core. So, because society doesn’t do a great job of telling the full story, I am here to share five reasons why you should not have kids.
The first reason is not super obvious. And honestly, after you read it, my argument will have been made, and you won’t even need to read any further. Having kids literally shrinks your brain. This isn’t just an opinion. It is based on scientific evidence. You know that saying “mom brain”? It is very real. Research has shown that pregnancy shrinks the brain, and it only partially rebounds after giving birth. Imagine that? These parasitic kids are out here sucking the juice out of your brain from the very beginning, and there is no extra compensation for such suffering. My theory of what also contributes to “mom brain” is the fact that kids are always just around. They don’t ever have anywhere to be. And when they do have somewhere to be, you have to be the one to coordinate that and take them! You constantly have to think for them and anticipate their needs, which keeps your nervous system in a state of slight chaos. The inability to rest definitely has an impact on that smaller brain. If you’re one of the parents who let your kids watch TV in exchange for a few moments of mental rest, now you’re subjected to the most mind-numbing content. Yet, you will eventually find yourself thinking about the funny thing that happened on the latest episode of “Peppa Pig” more than you’d like to admit, which can’t be good for reversing that brain matter. News flash: There are no reasonable accommodations available for “mom brain.” Sadly, your boss still wants you to submit your TPS report by 5 p.m. each week, shrunken brain or not.
This one is big for me: Having kids messes with your sleep! Sleep is one of the most important factors in maintaining overall health and wellness. Sleep supports cellular regeneration, metabolic function, metabolism, and a bunch of other sciency things. But honestly, sleep is just so awesome. Have you ever cleaned your home, washed your sheets, taken a nice bath, and gotten into your bed? Tell me that isn’t one of the best feelings ever. Just heavenly. Imagine setting yourself up like that to have some amazing sleep, and then a terroristic 2-year-old comes in 45 minutes later and asks you for juice. If you thought to yourself, “That sounds like torture,” I completely agree. Don’t just take my word for it. Research shows that parents with children over 2 years old are more likely to experience daytime sleepiness. Unfortunately, it continues until your children are grown and out of your house. This means getting awoken for 2 a.m. stomachaches, nightmares, checking for monsters, and all the other foolishness that kids conjure up to ensure you don’t get a full night’s sleep. I don’t know about you, but 18 years of this feels like a scheme that Todd set up to come to me with the bull—!
The only thing more important than sleep is food. And having kids will likely ruin that for you. There is an unreasonable requirement in place that you have to keep these kids fed. If you’re an overachiever like me, this means two to three balanced meals a day, every day. For a minimum of 18 years. There are no days off. You know those nights when you just want to come home and eat cereal for dinner? Good luck trying that with kids. They don’t pay any bills, yet they have a whole lotta thoughts about what they will and won’t eat. And even though you try to feed them nutritious meals to help develop their brain and bodies, they actively fight you on this and make keeping them alive feel like an ultimate sport. Feeding them is one half of the battle. The second obstacle is being able to enjoy anything for yourself. Once you have kids, snacks become a partner activity. The sound of a wrapper opening is like a five-alarm fire siren to a toddler. They immediately just show up. They will likely then just stare at you like they never ate in their life, or ask you 20 questions about the origin of Cheetos to subtly hint at the fact that they want some. Having kids means eating candy in the bathroom or ice cream in the closet for at least five to 10 years. Or you can try telling them that the McFlurry you’re having is “really spicy” to buy you some time so that you can indulge in peace.
One of the most obvious reasons not to have kids is that they are hella expensive! The U.S. is experiencing a decline in births because more and more adults are choosing not to have kids. One of the popular reasons for this decision is the impact of inflation and the exorbitant cost of living that people are currently struggling with. By not having kids, you save money on everyday expenses like food and housing, and you also have lower expenses when it comes to vacations and activities. If you take that money and start an LLC … you would become a millionaire in 5 years. Just kidding. But truthfully, the estimated cost of having a child in the U.S. is around $18,000 a year. If you were to take that money and invest it in a Roth IRA, after 18 years, you would have contributed $324,000 and earned $117,628 in interest. Bringing the grand total up to $441,677. Couple that with more sleep, being able to eat what you want, when you want, and maintaining the full size of your brain, and it’s not a bad deal.
One of the biggest arguments “pro-having kids” people make is “Well, if you don’t have kids, who is gonna take care of you when you get older?” The reality, probably not your kids, either way, homie. Data shows that only about 17% of adult children provide full-time care for their aging parents. It isn’t because these adult children are evil and hate their parents. Adult children are often balancing caring for their own children alongside career demands, which limits their ability to directly care for their elderly parents. Imagine sacrificing everything for those kids, only to still end up in a nursing home. You’re likely better off using your free time living your best life now and saving that money I mentioned, and hiring a full-time caregiver when that time comes.
Having children sucks. But the truth? If you really want kids, not having them equally sucks. Ultimately, whichever decision you make will likely be filled with a mixture of investments and sacrifices, challenges and successes, lots of grief, and most importantly, lots of joy. But still: Don’t have kids.
Frequently Asked Questions
Yes — research has shown that pregnancy can temporarily reduce gray matter volume in certain areas of the brain, contributing to what many people call “mom brain.” Some changes partially rebound after childbirth.
Children often interrupt sleep for years due to feedings, nightmares, illnesses, or needing comfort during the night. Studies show parents are more likely to experience daytime sleepiness even after their children are toddlers.
The estimated costs for raising a child in the U.S. vary state to state and can run around $18,000 per year, not including additional expenses like college, extracurricular activities, or childcare.
